Hello there lovely people... just an FYI, I'm about to get REAL!

For years decades,  I have been battling a thing we call 'being obese'.

This is something that is always difficult for me to talk about let alone share it with the world. So please, kind words only...

Hi my name is Brigette and I am obese. I do not  like  hate it and I wish it was something that I never had the opportunity to deal with. I'm not here to blame anyone for my upbringing or influence on the poor decisions that I have made, nor am I here to "shame" anyone for whatever body they live in. I can only speak for me and what I have gone through. The fact is, being over weight is a daily struggle that each individual has to cope with in their own way.

For me, it started with self hate and idolizing. As a kid, I would always look at those around me and think "why couldn't I look like them? Why am I fat? Why is my hair in an afro and why do they think I am a boy?" So many times I would cry myself to sleep praying I could look different. I wanted to look like Britney Spears and all the girls I seen on Nickelodeon. I wanted straight hair and to be skinny.

I remember one time I was watching 'Full House' and DJ was going to Kimmy's pool party. She hated the way she looked and she started a crash diet. She would workout and not eat anything. Now as a girl in elementary school, this should not be a solution to any problem I had.. but it was. I tried not eating for a few days and it didn't work ( I was hangry). Thankfully, God kept me from going down a path that was going to be harder than  I knew at the time. Once I realized that not eating was not going to work, I slowly began to become depressed. I tried overly hard to be happy and in return, people began to dislike me. That made it even worse. I was lonely, with few friends and an older brother that EVERYONE loved... but that's a horse of a different color.

As I got older, I got bigger, much bigger. All my friends turned out to not really be my friends and the fat jokes got more and more intense. I don't know if you know what it's like to be ridiculed by teachers and students in front of majority of the school.... but I will tell you this.. it sucks. Everyday was a new joke. From me being called smokey the bear to being told I would be pretty if I lost weight. Just typing these words bring up very painful memories.

Once I was in high school, some of the jokes died down. It was common knowledge that I was over weight and that wasn't going to change anytime soon. By this time, I am not only depressed and lonely, I was desperate. I wanted to feel wanted, liked and needed by someone that liked me for me. Sure I had A LOT of friends now, but they never knew the real pain that I felt. They never understood why I would act they way I would, say the things I did, or feel the way I felt. They were always chosen out of the crowd and I was the one taking all the salt in an open wound. That's right... I was the nice, fat friend that would do the dirty work of being mediator, listener or the one that could put in a good word. Trust me, when you like someone and I mean reaaalllyy like someone but all they want to know is "can you hook me up with so and so"... those words are like poison.

Fast forward a few years now..

Married, kids and a great life. Just one thing that is still getting in the way... the weight. Yes I was big when I got married, that doesn't mean that the insecurity leaves. My husband is a small guy (bigger now) but then he was a small guy. I knew he loved me, but that never stopped the thoughts, the insecurities or the self hate. Whenever we would go out, I would feel uncomfortable standing next to him. All I could do was wonder if people thought we looked like the number 10.

After my second child I had reached 300 pounds. I was determined to lose the weight and get healthy after my blood pressure skyrocketed during labor and I needed to be put on oxygen while in the operating room. All my kiddos are via c-section BTW.

I started out slow, walking and biking for 30 minutes each. I was nursing my son at the time so that helped a great deal. I found an amazing trainer that not only pushed me, but I felt actually believed in me. I had lost 101 pounds! I had actually hit 199 pounds! That quickly came to an end when I found out I was pregnant with my third child. I worked out twice as hard, ate just as clean but I still gained 60+
 pounds.

After I had my little Italy, I was even more determined, I worked my butt off for months and was 6 pounds away from my pre pregnancy weight. I was so focused! Well long story short, one kid in school and driving 45 minutes to workout almost everyday became too much. I didn't have the time to travel back and forth and get my daughter ready and off to school in the morning. So I left my trainer. I did all the things I learned from him but my life slowly became consumed with kids and my business. I didn't work out as much, I wasn't sleeping as much and I was always on the go. I would get so stressed out and afraid of gaining the weight that I would start to get depressed and the cycle would continue.

I had made great friends at my gym and I loved my trainer. I felt like they were part of my family... most times I seen them more than my husband lol. Leaving them behind was one of the hardest times of my life. My support system was gone. I didn't have someone next to me pushing me and telling me I can go 10 more. Sure my husband supports everything I do, it's just different when you have someone that is just as passionate as you are about something.

Fast forward to this week...

For Father's Day this year, we went to Schlitterbahn. A huge water park full of lazy rivers and water slides. We loved it... until I seen myself in my bathing suit as I was leaving the restroom. I had taken a picture two years prior in the same suit and it was almost falling off because it was so big.. This time, it barely fit. I wanted to burst into tears but my two oldest girls were with me and that would not be something I would want them to see me struggle with. I made up my mind then and there that this life I had been trapped in was going to be over!

I have decided, that like I had before, I will be keeping my weight loss journal on my blog. I love blogging and have done it for years now. I knew that if I put it out there, I would have no choice but to hold myself accountable... supporters or not. This time I would be MY supporter.

So.. tomorrow starts Day 1 of my new beginning! I hope you will join me on this crazy, scary, emotional and TRIUMPHANT journey to a whole new me..

As always... if you have any advice, tips or kind words, let me know in the comments below.

Today

Today

My first few months after baby #2

Roughly 300 lbs

before and after L: baby #2- R: After baby #3