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A piece of me

3:22:00 PM

I personally had never known that October was Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month, breast cancer awareness yes, loss of a child no!
So a little while ago today, a dear friend and I were having a conversation about miscarriages and how difficult it is to move on from them. The emotional pain, the physical pain and even in some cases, the pain it could cause in a marriage. During our conversation, I told her something that I don't think I have ever told anyone before. Maybe not even my husband.

You know we have 4 kids, and I love them dearly! But before my son was conceived, we suffered a miscarriage. I will never forget that day. It was March 19th, 2010, and we were out shopping for my Thai's 2nd birthday. A week before, I was informed that I may have a miscarriage because my levels were not correctly rising. But, I stayed positive. I knew that God is able to do anything at any moment. But on that day, I knew it was not in God's plan for that baby to be with us.

While trying to have a fun day, my body started to ache, and I had a constant feeling that I needed to go to the bathroom. Thai was a C-section baby, so I didn't know that that feeling was my body going into labor. After trying to go to the bathroom about 3 times, I had this urge to go again, only this time I did. I felt my body push the fluid and blood out of my body, and for some reason I just began to cry uncontrollably. I had no idea at the time that I was having a miscarriage. Once I pulled myself together, I stood up and seen my baby, in it's sac, in the toilet. Even though everything happened so fast, time seemed to move in slow motion. I was in shock! The pain I was in went away, I stopped crying and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Before I could catch a breath or make a movement, the automatic sensor went off and my child went down the drain. All I could do was get on my knees, cry and pray. My child was gone.

After, loosing someone that I would never see , never know if it was a boy or girl, or never even have the chance to hold, I struggled for a long time. Most of that time I was afraid, afraid of getting pregnant again and having another miscarriage, afraid I couldn't even get pregnant. So many emotions plagued me everyday. I couldn't shake the fact that the child I had tried to conceive with my husband, never would be a part of our lives. This child would never know how much it was loved from the second it was created.

Thankfully,  after a while and many prayers, my husband and I were able to conceive after our miscarriage. I was of two minds. On one hand I was so excited! I was already writing out names and reading up on how things change with two kids. And on the other hand, I was nervous and constantly checking for symptoms of a miscarriage. It wasn't until about 7 months that my mind was at ease. Same feeling for our youngest. Even though she wasn't planned and we were not in a position to have another child, I would still worry about loosing her. So I found ways to put my mind at ease again and counted my blessings!

Now that we have 4 kids, I often joke about having too many or how we can't have anymore because I had 3 c-sections. But the truth is, I wish I had the opportunity to even try. Having my tubes tied (even though it was best for my well being) feels like a dead end. I often give myself false hope by thinking we could be one of those couples that still gets pregnant. Not being able to conceive makes me feel like I am loosing my child all over again.

I know I can't dell on the way things are now and we should be thankful that we were even able to have kids, which we are! I just can't help but wonder what if? What if we could have more? What if we never lost one? What if we made a mistake by getting my tubes tied?  Just what if?

I am so thankful for our kids that we have, yes they are a handful and yes they test.... A LOT. And even though one was not destined to be with us right now, we are blessed with the ones we have!

Have you lost a pregnancy or know someone that has? How did you deal with it? Let me know in the comments below.

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